Dating does not work. At least not the traditional concept of dating.
In all honesty, I actually think it is pretty ineffectual and that we have all be duped by it. Duped into thinking that products = romance. Products like movies, jewelry, restaurants. Much like how I think you should stop saying I love you because it becomes an all to easy, “lazy mans” way of saying how important the other person is to you; so should go all these other products.
Restaurant owners, movie theaters, and jewelers (particularly jewelers!)
want you to believe that spending money buying their wares is what love is all about. Buying into this belief system is easy because the marketing is so effective, but it has little to with creating a real relationship. One based on honesty and openness.
I like to take a genuine interest in someone new I meet.
To spend time getting to know them. Ideally I like to remove all distractions, all pomp and circumstance and really get to know the other person. Sometimes this leads to a very boring conversation with someone who is not particularly engaging, other times it leads to a wonderful 3-4 hour talk covering a multitude of different subjects.
Getting to know the other person on a deep level is what a real relationship is all about.
Too often pretty girls think that just because they are pretty and wear nice shoes, but have little to offer otherwise deserve Mr GQ. This type tends to attract a “show off” type man. That guy that talks about money and how his gran dad was a war hero and how he drives a Maserati, and is going be a international man of mystery.
Both these two end up unhappy. The girls unable to meet a quality man that is good enough for them, and the guys who feel anxiety and insecurity about having to impress people they don’t care about to begin with.
Look, if you really like someone or think that someone has potential, take a genuine interest in them and stop making assumptions.
It bothers me how the art of conversation is dead. It’s now become: “Oh you like me? Great when can we have sex?”
Bypass the small talk, the interview questions like:
- have any siblings?
- whats your sign?
- where did you go to school?
- do you like your job?
…and go for the really deep hard hitting emotional stuff like:
Speak slowly and with great purpose. Really think about your answers, and also listen attentively. If you do this right, you are eventually going to form a really deep bond with someone. Not in a matter of weeks or months as traditional dating would have it, but in a matter of days. Even hours.
Get to the point
Dating is stupid because it is such a timid way of getting to know someone. Girls thinking that if they meet a guy it’s all or nothing, and guys think they can not show the real them at first (so they puff themselves up a bit about things).
All of this becomes a pointless boring distraction. It can also be quit expensive as dinner, movies, drinks, add up. Giving you the false impression that it is impossible to meet someone new and of quality because financially, things are tight right now.
Instead, just get to the point! That is what I do. When I meet someone I am interested in and have spent some time with, I make it clear what my intentions are. I simply tell the other person: “I think you are amazing, I am very attracted to you, and I want to explore the possibility of a relationship with you”. How to tell if a guy likes you is easy. Ask. Directly.
This takes a bit of practice, and a bit of courage, but it is the most effective way to creating a real relationship with someone who feels the same way, and it takes very little time (as opposed to going on two or three dates only to have the other person disappear). Honestly, how long would it take for you to recite the above statement? 9 seconds? Much better than beating around the bush for a month.
This is how I expect to begin ANY new relationship with someone
When I get to know someone and find myself becoming attracted to the other person, and feel something wonderful could develop if things progress a bit more deeply, then I share how I am feeling. Sure, I could play silly games to figure out if the other person feels the same or not, but just getting to the point is a lot faster, and a lot more fun. Also, you may be surprised to discover just who is actually interested in you!
Rejection is necessary, good, and welcomed
Personal development + self realization + financial abundance + empowered relationships. When you have done the necessary work on yourself, when you have discovered who you are and what your all about, when you are making a good income at something you love, then and only then can you have an empowered relationship. The kind of relationship I have been talking about.
Too often people settle for a relationship instead of choosing a relationship.
They look to fill a void in their life with a relationship instead of doing the hard necessary work. Also, people get so hung up on fear of rejection is actually amuses me a bit. In order to create a real relationship based on openness and honesty, you need to realized that rejection is still a good outcome.
It is a good outcome because rejection allows you to let go of someone who you misread. They don’t feel the same. That is a disappointment, but it is not the end of the world. You should appreciate honesty in others. Even if it is not always to your liking. They just saved you a lot of grief and time by sharing that they do not feel the same. Simply move on and apply your attention to someone new.
But Dave, what if the are taken back by how direct you are?
Then it is not a good fit. She does not appreciate openness and honesty. I am glad I discovered this sooner rather than later. I have little patience for women who want to play games, who delve into drama and pageantry, who put up walls.
If she does respond positively, then that is an absolutely wonderful feeling. Knowing she likes you and is interested in exploring something deeper is a great feeling. It may not lead anywhere, but at least we agreed to explore together. Really, this is one of my favorite feelings. I wish it had its own word.
Openness and honesty = respect
Even in my non romantic relationships, openness and honesty is something I appreciate and respect. I like people who are blunt with me because it helps me be better. If I am being a bit in your face (like maybe I am with this post) tell me. If I am being insensitive, tell me. Maybe I am just unaware of the impression that I am giving off to others. Instead of running around behind my back and assuming things about me, just confront me.
I am an active person with a ton of ideas. I simply do not have time for people who are not direct with me. I have found when people are indirect it is because they are afraid of rejection, or running the relationship in some way. When you don’t express openly your thoughts, feelings, desires, and passions it is a huge disappointment for me.
Getting to the damn point is purposeful, professional, and useful in romantic situations, as well as other social interactions.
I don’t mean being vulgar, pushy, or bothersome. I simply mean sharing how you really feel. Sharing what your attentions are, and where you think this relationship is going. Once you make it know what your intentions, desires, and feelings are, you give the other person an opportunity to reject or accept. As I said, this saves time, money, and heartache.
So how do I respond when someone lays it all out?
When girls do it, I love it. Even if I am not interested in her, she already has earned my respect because she has courage. I know how painfully sensitive a girl can be. How afraid of rejection they are. So when a girl opens up about her feelings for me this instantly tells me that we might have a lot in common.
If I felt the same then I would share that I felt the same. This is easy and fun.
If I did not feel the same, I would be as careful and gentle as I could be sharing that I don’t feel the same. Hurting someone emotionally is not something I do.
Lastly is perhaps I am unsure. Could be just be bad timing. Maybe I have my heart set on someone else at the moment perhaps. Maybe I just need more time to explore. Maybe I never considered the other person.
To wrap this up
If you want to create a real relationship with someone and have it be honest and open, skip the dating and the drama. Get right to the point by getting to know each other on a deeper level. Sometimes, it will just result in a boring conversation, but other times it will kick things into high gear and you will be amazed by how much fun and exciting it can be.